How to Talk to Your Children About a Parent's Cancer
Should you tell your children that a parent has cancer?
Yes. Children almost always sense that something is wrong, even when nobody tells them. Without information, they fill in the gaps themselves, and what they imagine is often worse than the truth. Honest, age-appropriate information helps them feel safe and included.
When Becky Slootheer was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, she and her husband Roy tried to keep life as normal as possible for their two sons. Roy writes about that in his memoir Broken Glass.
How do you start the conversation?
Choose a quiet moment when there is time for questions, not right before school or bedtime.
Talk together if both parents are able to.
Use the real words. Say "cancer" and name the part of the body. Vague words like "sick" can make children afraid of every cold.
Keep it short and let their questions guide how much more you tell.
Tell them what will change for them: who picks them up, who stays with them during hospital visits.
What should you say at different ages?
Young children (up to about 6)
Use simple words and concrete examples. Tell them the illness is not contagious and that nothing they did or thought caused it. Expect the same questions again and again.
School-age children (about 7 to 12)
They can understand more about the illness and treatment. Explain side effects they will see, such as hair loss or tiredness, before they happen. They may worry about their own health or the future.
Teenagers
Teens often want more detail and honesty, and they may look for information online. Invite them to ask you instead. They may also withdraw or take on too much responsibility. Let them stay teenagers as much as possible.
How can you keep life as normal as possible?
Keep school, sports and friends in their week
Keep regular routines at home
Tell the school, so teachers can keep an eye on them
Plan small moments of normal family life, even on hard days
Let them help in ways that fit their age, without making them caregivers
What if they ask whether their parent will die?
This is the hardest question. Answer honestly, without taking away all hope: "The doctors are doing everything they can. Right now we are hoping the treatment works. If things change, we will tell you." Promise that you will keep telling them the truth, and keep that promise.
Frequently asked questions
Will talking about cancer scare my children more?
Usually not. Silence tends to scare children more than honest information given calmly.
Where can I find more help?
Ask the hospital's social worker or child life specialist. Organizations such as the American Cancer Society also have information for parents and children.
Roy shares what he learned as a nurse, a husband and a father. This is personal experience, not professional advice.
Read Broken Glass
In Broken Glass Roy writes about keeping life normal for two boys while their mother fought stage four lung cancer. Order a signed copy or read a chapter for free.
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